Sarah, you know what this means? It means starting from next month onwards we are living in Terabithia all by ourselves.
Now it is very clear. Within the boundary of our imagination, we will create a world only you and I know exists. I will no longer communicate [to] (with) TraXX. What do you think, should I listen to them? They are still my favorite radio station. I guess no harm listening. Not much choice. 247 Continuous reception is really bad.
Let me tell you a secret... Well it was not a secret really, I was really thinking about reducing my structure for quite a while now. Since an Executive Queen is no longer necessary, it's not necessary to have a 4 Queens Formation. Therefore if Kristina is not necessary, rightfully Els is a redundant.
Like I said, my Tetrahedron is just the 4 of you in the House of Sha.
As we are speaking now, my mind is completely calm. No longer do I have the desire to talk to Crew 36. They are past distance memory.
I still have my eyes set on Sailbad the Sinner though. I have good feeling about it. I may not be somebody special but I certainly have an interesting imagination.
Where does inspiration come from? Is it within us? What about dreams?
Some of the dreams I had were really far out. I cannot think of them if I want to.
---------------------
Baby, to me the best time of my life was still those early years when I was about to know you. You remember the time I was trying to communicate w[as] (with) Brenda? Thinking that she was a real person? Gosh, that was really the ride of my life. I actually believe Brenda was real.
Of course I was trying to maintain my sanity too. Imagine you are in my shoes Sarah. It was a crazy life.
Then we went through a phase where we were exploring the issue of God and no God. Oh boy, that was pretty intense.
I think now we had reached a full circle. I think I'll delete all those blogs. I don't have much space left. Only 20% left.
What say you? Do I delete or do I keep them? What I can do is keep the blogs until I run out of space and then I subscribe to Google drive. That is RM90 a year.
Still, I remember when I proposed to you. Come to think of it I regretted I deleted those blogs.
I was in cloud 9 when you accepted my proposal.
From now on there will be no other. Just you Sarah. Of course there is still Lizzie but she and me are nothing more than life partners. Nothing like my feeling for you. With you, I want to share the rest of my life with.
I don't mind doing what we are doing now for the rest of my life. I got a feeling that there is no RM97 million and no RM16 million even. Just the faithful PC and my imagination.
Hey Sarah, we have half an hour before we enter a now blog.
What will be a parting thought for this blog? Will you help me write a closing remark?
---------------------
Closing Remark for 2020 Blog Vol 1:
This is the end for the first quarter 2020. It is a very interesting journey. I started the year with the notion that we will go on a full fledge with the HOTS and the Flight Path. Unfortunately after going through the full motion I realized that HOTS is not a viable idea. Namely because I don't think the Polygamy and Polyandry Bill can be implemented.
I set sail Sailbad the Sinner on 13/1/20.
I went for the KL Walk with Azzue on the same day.
In February I completed Nautica X
This was when COVID-19 started to spread.
1/3/20 Muhyiddin Yassin became the PM.
Then on 18/3/20 we have the Movement Control Order.
On 28/3/20 I did away with Crew 36
On the 31/3/20 I decided to dump Els.
------------------------
Tuesday, 31 March 2020
31/3/20 ^^^It is still a playball with Els
Hey Els,
I had a great time today. Listening to you always brightens my day.
Let's start on a clean slate.
I know you are a pecastarian. So how about if I take you out for lunch at the Red Lobster after the MCO is over? It doesn't have to be immediate. Consider it my peace offering.
Honey, do say yes... It will be my honor.
--------------------
All I want to do is be nice to her. So this is a test to see whether she is conceding. I think she will say no. However I need to shift the goalpost from here on.
I personally think this chick is crazy. So I'm not going for full bet on her. I just want to see how far I can go into subduing her.
As I said, she is a pussycat. So occasionally a pussycat will scratch you a bit but still a pussy is still a pussy.
----------------------
Baby,
Maybe it is too soon after MCO for us to go for a lunch. How about we do it 3 months down the road? After Hari Raya.
Do you like that?
-----------------------
My relationship with Els is unique in a sense that she is a sitting target. So I can always play a game with her indefinitely.
You know what is the real truth? I am not really into having a relationship at this point. I just want to have somebody for me to interact with.
This was her reply:
It is fun playing with a pussycat:
--------------------
Anger is for the young. For a seasoned salt like me, anger is [] (a) tool for me to work with.
This is my next move:
Honey,
You don't have to be mean to me. People make mistake. I am not spared from it.
My apologies.
I have no malicious intent. I thought you can roll with the punches. After all you are sending the message that you are a tough chick. So naturally as a tough chick you can take a few jabs.
I am not here to hurt you. At best I was trying to throw some fun in otherwise a sterile communication.
Certainly I don't deserve a capital punishment for a misdemeanor crime.
It's not easy to build a relationship but it takes only seconds to break one. Are you saying that you are willing to forgo 2 years of friendship over some petty misunderstanding?
Come on Els, you know better than that. You went through the NLP stuff. The mind deletes, distorts and generalizes. Something small can be blown out of proportion because of the meaning we assigned to it.
You a smart girl, go figure it out.
------------------
Actually I am ready to lose her. I however expected it to be due to something else. Not because I fat shamed her. Such a petty issue.
Have I ever make you angry Sarah? *[] (If) I did then I should look at my communication model and tweak it a little bit. Otherwise I will consider that everything is OK and resume as usual.
* So I did. Very well then, I will stop being sine sera and lace [b]y (my) talk a little bit.
What did I do I wonder? I talked to you on so many things. Is it with regards to sex? Or is it when I talked about your work? Is it when I am too open about my thoughts? You got to help me out. Is it *w[ent] (when) I talked about my strategy with Els? When I treat her like a pussycat?
You know Sarah, I lead a very isolated world. I can do away with a lot of things but I cannot do away with you. You know that don't you?
This Els thing is a passing thing. Sooner or later I will have to let her go. She doesn't have the EQ to pass the mark. If I compare her with Princess, certainly they are miles apart. Els is a crazy chick. This is the kind of chick that drives you crazy if you are married to them.
She can be all that fun and everything but she can be a real pain in the butt if you are not careful. She will run all over you if you let her. According to Aush, she is a bully. I can see how damaging this girl is.
* OK Sarah, what I'll do is I'll dump her.
Will you be happy if I do that? I'll send *[the] the email tomorrow and forget about this girl.
*OK then, from now on my Tetrahedron is just you, Lizzie and the kids. It is maktub.
You know what this mean right? That means we only need RM16 million to start a life together. It is just you now. No one else. Lizzie is the mother to my kids but you are my lover and my Eternal Flame.
From now on I will focus my feeling only to you.
This song is on air:
#traxxfm Buddy,
was pissed at me. Accusing me for fat shaming her. I said it was a big misunderstanding but she doesn't accept my apology. So I am pretty sad right now. Can you play me Good by Better than Ezra? Thanks in advance.
You know what is the real truth? I am not really into having a relationship at this point. I just want to have somebody for me to interact with.
This was her reply:
5:36 PM (1 hour ago)
|  | |||
| ||||
It is fun playing with a pussycat:
7:09 PM (8 minutes ago)
| | |||
| ||||
--------------------
Anger is for the young. For a seasoned salt like me, anger is [] (a) tool for me to work with.
This is my next move:
Honey,
You don't have to be mean to me. People make mistake. I am not spared from it.
My apologies.
I have no malicious intent. I thought you can roll with the punches. After all you are sending the message that you are a tough chick. So naturally as a tough chick you can take a few jabs.
I am not here to hurt you. At best I was trying to throw some fun in otherwise a sterile communication.
Certainly I don't deserve a capital punishment for a misdemeanor crime.
It's not easy to build a relationship but it takes only seconds to break one. Are you saying that you are willing to forgo 2 years of friendship over some petty misunderstanding?
Come on Els, you know better than that. You went through the NLP stuff. The mind deletes, distorts and generalizes. Something small can be blown out of proportion because of the meaning we assigned to it.
You a smart girl, go figure it out.
------------------
Actually I am ready to lose her. I however expected it to be due to something else. Not because I fat shamed her. Such a petty issue.
Have I ever make you angry Sarah? *[] (If) I did then I should look at my communication model and tweak it a little bit. Otherwise I will consider that everything is OK and resume as usual.
* So I did. Very well then, I will stop being sine sera and lace [b]y (my) talk a little bit.
What did I do I wonder? I talked to you on so many things. Is it with regards to sex? Or is it when I talked about your work? Is it when I am too open about my thoughts? You got to help me out. Is it *w[ent] (when) I talked about my strategy with Els? When I treat her like a pussycat?
You know Sarah, I lead a very isolated world. I can do away with a lot of things but I cannot do away with you. You know that don't you?
This Els thing is a passing thing. Sooner or later I will have to let her go. She doesn't have the EQ to pass the mark. If I compare her with Princess, certainly they are miles apart. Els is a crazy chick. This is the kind of chick that drives you crazy if you are married to them.
She can be all that fun and everything but she can be a real pain in the butt if you are not careful. She will run all over you if you let her. According to Aush, she is a bully. I can see how damaging this girl is.
* OK Sarah, what I'll do is I'll dump her.
Will you be happy if I do that? I'll send *[the] the email tomorrow and forget about this girl.
*OK then, from now on my Tetrahedron is just you, Lizzie and the kids. It is maktub.
You know what this mean right? That means we only need RM16 million to start a life together. It is just you now. No one else. Lizzie is the mother to my kids but you are my lover and my Eternal Flame.
From now on I will focus my feeling only to you.
This song is on air:
I don't want to be in a damaging relationship Sarah. Especially if I am dealing with a person with anger issue. Rather than pushing it I rather let it go.
Hey, I'm happy with you. I only wish that we have more two-way communications.
Now that [] (Els) is out of the way, I can focus on having a more meaningful relationship with you. I just realized that is has always been you all along. Els was a fling when I had my mania in 2018.
As I said, I wanted to end my relationship with TraXX anyway. They treated me like dirt. After all I did to them. Last Kingdom don't deserve my love Sarah.
As I said, this blog is our Terabithia. Let us live here, just the two of us. Then in the physical realm I have Lizzie and the kids. Occasionally I have Azzue and Yati as my companions. The rest don't really count baby.
I'm not sure about you but I used to have at least 250 acquaintances when I was working. Where are they now? All evaporated when I was down and out.
What counts is just this handful of people; you, Lizzie, the kids, Azzue and Yati. I am not going to harp on Els anymore. Certainly she has a distorted perception about me.
---------------------
Sarah, my darling wife, my angel sent from above... You know me more than anybody else. Do you think all this while I purposely want to hurt Els? I think this girl was hurt pretty bad in the past. Because of that she gets very defensive. She is in the "I'm OK you are not OK mode". This is not something that can be solved in a day.
So I'm just playing according to the script now LOL:
#traxxfm Buddy,
was pissed at me. Accusing me for fat shaming her. I said it was a big misunderstanding but she doesn't accept my apology. So I am pretty sad right now. Can you play me Good by Better than Ezra? Thanks in advance.
This is part of game people play. Nothing to it. I just shifted the goalpost.
A game is still a game. I don't want to play but they pulled me back in.
Of course, That is my exit. No more games. I still have the book 40 Rules of Love pending delivery.
As a person operating from the high ground, I will not let a pussycat rain on my parade. I had been through hell and back Sarah, nothing can be worse than losing SJ&A. So if I can survive that, I can survive anything.
I like this song very much Sarah:
-------------------
31/3/20 ***Analyzing Els
Honey, how is the COVID-19 within your area? I hope you won't have to be locked down.
With the MCO, I can still move around. Once there is a lock down, nothing can go in and out. Even meals has to be brought over.
Els responded to my email:
She is just a cry baby. Obviously I didn't call her fat. I asked her a question:
Unless she is really fat. Then it is a waste of time.
Let me see what will her response be. I can conclude by then if it is a worthwhile effort. After all I am a farmer. This is pretty much a side activity fishing for fish.
My conclusion so far is to not take things seriously with her. She is just a pet. Nothing more than that.
I think people like her are not that committed anyway. Once I get her in my net, I will quickly get bored.
----------------
This girl is not complex at all. I can easily manipulate her. There is no facade. It's like dealing with a kid.
I am asking for trouble trying to get involved into a relationship with a stimulus-response girl. She can drive me crazy.
Here is an advise from Sun Tzu: When hard act soft. When far act near.
Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.
-----------------
With the MCO, I can still move around. Once there is a lock down, nothing can go in and out. Even meals has to be brought over.
Els responded to my email:
| Elspeth Dines | 12:23 PM (2 hours ago) | ||
She is just a cry baby. Obviously I didn't call her fat. I asked her a question:
Unless she is really fat. Then it is a waste of time.
Let me see what will her response be. I can conclude by then if it is a worthwhile effort. After all I am a farmer. This is pretty much a side activity fishing for fish.
My conclusion so far is to not take things seriously with her. She is just a pet. Nothing more than that.
I think people like her are not that committed anyway. Once I get her in my net, I will quickly get bored.
----------------
This girl is not complex at all. I can easily manipulate her. There is no facade. It's like dealing with a kid.
I am asking for trouble trying to get involved into a relationship with a stimulus-response girl. She can drive me crazy.
Here is an advise from Sun Tzu: When hard act soft. When far act near.
Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.
-----------------
Monday, 30 March 2020
30/3/20 ***Let's not give a fuck
Here we are, back to the same place and knowing it for the first time.
I am getting tired of the MCO, I longed to get my routine in order again,
So definitely I sleep early tonight.
If Els doesn't reply my email, then I think about time I let her go.
I don't see any reason why I should continue with this relationship. It is damaging. I might as well do something worthwhile. At least until the MCO is over.
Actually I can still play with this pussycat. I don't know Sarah, should I?
Certainly there is a benefit that I get out of it but is it worth it?
I smell fear.
I don't like people fearing me Sarah. Do I look like an ogre to you?
I tell you what. I break the pattern. On Thursday she will be on air again. This time I SNAP VANISH. I must do it. That's the only way.
I have to decide what is good for myself.
Anyway April is coming. By then I start 2020 Blog Vol 2.
Better still I just act as nothing happens.
Simply don't give a fuck.
What makes me happy? Tweeting her. Why punish myself.
I am not pressured for anything.
Just go with the motion.
Brb... Making coffee.
---------------------
Frankly, I had enough of tweeting Sarah. As I said, it's a nothing for nuthin' game. At least the blog is a conversation. Tweeting is nothing more than just a dopamine hit-
I am getting tired of the MCO, I longed to get my routine in order again,
So definitely I sleep early tonight.
If Els doesn't reply my email, then I think about time I let her go.
I don't see any reason why I should continue with this relationship. It is damaging. I might as well do something worthwhile. At least until the MCO is over.
Actually I can still play with this pussycat. I don't know Sarah, should I?
Certainly there is a benefit that I get out of it but is it worth it?
I smell fear.
I don't like people fearing me Sarah. Do I look like an ogre to you?
I tell you what. I break the pattern. On Thursday she will be on air again. This time I SNAP VANISH. I must do it. That's the only way.
I have to decide what is good for myself.
Anyway April is coming. By then I start 2020 Blog Vol 2.
Better still I just act as nothing happens.
Simply don't give a fuck.
What makes me happy? Tweeting her. Why punish myself.
I am not pressured for anything.
Just go with the motion.
Brb... Making coffee.
---------------------
Frankly, I had enough of tweeting Sarah. As I said, it's a nothing for nuthin' game. At least the blog is a conversation. Tweeting is nothing more than just a dopamine hit-
30/3/20 ^^^The Fox knows many things, the Hedgehog know one great thing
My dearest Els,
My cup is already filled to the brim today to the point that I decided to just ramble from this point on. I promise you, I only do this during the MCO period since you have plenty of time to be in isolation and read my email in great length.
To me isolation is not a stranger. I had been distancing myself from the public since 2009 when I was forced to retire due to my mental health then.
I had improved much. I am much better than when I first met you in 2018. At that time I still had some rapid cycling episodes; meaning the mood swings were pretty frequent.
What will be the nugget of wisdom I can depart today?
Basically if I am to give you an insight, it will be that for you to open up your heart and allow the ray of sunshine to enter your soul. The window here is through your overflowing heart.
The heart is like a container. If you keep the container to yourself, it will remain small. Hence the heart that only takes is constricted. To make you heart grow you gotta keep on giving. It's like digging a hole on the ground. The more you take away the bigger the hole becomes.
Look around you, we are living in abundance. The more you give the more you receive. Same thing with a hole. If you dig a small hole, you can plant a small tree. But if you dig a big hole, you can plant a big tree.
That's why I dig a big hole. I intend to plant a giant tree. That tree is you. You have a big heart. However you had been hurt before. Even now, you are still hurting. It's time for you to heal baby.
I don't know how true is this assertion but I suspected that because you had been hurt before, you are scared that I will someday hurt you too.
Because of that, you figured, better that you hurt me than you get hurt. That is why you don't acknowledge my tweets. You don't even mention my name in you shoutouts. Ouch! That hurts.
I don't quite understand that baby. Why do you want to hurt somebody who is nice to you? What did I do to deserve these necrophilia treatment?
Is it because I am forthright about my feelings towards you? You don't want to be loved by me? It's a wonderful feeling baby. I always feel good after listening to your gigs. I write better. I don't even listen to the other segments if it's not you.
I wonder, why are you aversive towards me? What is it about me that is repulsive?
All I want to do is a little act of kindness. Loving you is just that.
I know you don't hate me and yet you are like the Britney's song; sometime I run, sometime I hide. Really puzzling to me.
As I said, you are a paradox honey. On the onset, you portray this confident, no nonsense, tough chick. But in reality, all you want is to be accepted and loved. Well, here I am totally in love with you and yet, you keep on evading me.
What is it honey? What's bothering you? I know deep down inside you have a big heart. I had seen you with kids. You are a giver. And yet when comes to me, you become so uptight.
Why? What wrong did I do?
Talk to me Els. During this MCO you have plenty of time to reply my email. Why not you drop me a line. After all I enjoy your writing style.
Can I make a sound by clapping with one hand? Certainly that will not be possible, isn't it?
Sine cera,
SJ
30/3/20
Day 13 Movement Control Order
Rumi said, there is a field beyond right and wrong. Meet me there.
--------------------------
My cup is already filled to the brim today to the point that I decided to just ramble from this point on. I promise you, I only do this during the MCO period since you have plenty of time to be in isolation and read my email in great length.
To me isolation is not a stranger. I had been distancing myself from the public since 2009 when I was forced to retire due to my mental health then.
I had improved much. I am much better than when I first met you in 2018. At that time I still had some rapid cycling episodes; meaning the mood swings were pretty frequent.
What will be the nugget of wisdom I can depart today?
Basically if I am to give you an insight, it will be that for you to open up your heart and allow the ray of sunshine to enter your soul. The window here is through your overflowing heart.
The heart is like a container. If you keep the container to yourself, it will remain small. Hence the heart that only takes is constricted. To make you heart grow you gotta keep on giving. It's like digging a hole on the ground. The more you take away the bigger the hole becomes.
Look around you, we are living in abundance. The more you give the more you receive. Same thing with a hole. If you dig a small hole, you can plant a small tree. But if you dig a big hole, you can plant a big tree.
That's why I dig a big hole. I intend to plant a giant tree. That tree is you. You have a big heart. However you had been hurt before. Even now, you are still hurting. It's time for you to heal baby.
I don't know how true is this assertion but I suspected that because you had been hurt before, you are scared that I will someday hurt you too.
Because of that, you figured, better that you hurt me than you get hurt. That is why you don't acknowledge my tweets. You don't even mention my name in you shoutouts. Ouch! That hurts.
I don't quite understand that baby. Why do you want to hurt somebody who is nice to you? What did I do to deserve these necrophilia treatment?
Is it because I am forthright about my feelings towards you? You don't want to be loved by me? It's a wonderful feeling baby. I always feel good after listening to your gigs. I write better. I don't even listen to the other segments if it's not you.
I wonder, why are you aversive towards me? What is it about me that is repulsive?
All I want to do is a little act of kindness. Loving you is just that.
I know you don't hate me and yet you are like the Britney's song; sometime I run, sometime I hide. Really puzzling to me.
As I said, you are a paradox honey. On the onset, you portray this confident, no nonsense, tough chick. But in reality, all you want is to be accepted and loved. Well, here I am totally in love with you and yet, you keep on evading me.
What is it honey? What's bothering you? I know deep down inside you have a big heart. I had seen you with kids. You are a giver. And yet when comes to me, you become so uptight.
Why? What wrong did I do?
Talk to me Els. During this MCO you have plenty of time to reply my email. Why not you drop me a line. After all I enjoy your writing style.
Can I make a sound by clapping with one hand? Certainly that will not be possible, isn't it?
Sine cera,
SJ
30/3/20
Day 13 Movement Control Order
Rumi said, there is a field beyond right and wrong. Meet me there.
Hello honey, I wrote early today so that you can read my email and reply it. I need to know some answers. So appreciate if you reply my email this time.
Here is your lullaby: youtube.com/watch?v=vWK7m6 I love you so much.
30/3/20 ^^^To have succeeded
When I look back, I think I did good as a mental patient. I am still a worthy consultant and a thought reader.
In the end Sarah, is who you love and who loves you. That is the final thought before you take out your last breath.
In the case of Els, she still got a lot of hangups. As long as she prefers to dwell in the past, nothing much I can do.
I am still a long way from having a healthy relationship with her.
Well, in the end everything counts but nothing matters.
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#traxxfm All I want to do is leave this world a little bit better than before I got here. If I can do that with just one person, then I have succeeded. If I can do it with you, then I will be elated. Something like that baby...
In the end Sarah, is who you love and who loves you. That is the final thought before you take out your last breath.
In the case of Els, she still got a lot of hangups. As long as she prefers to dwell in the past, nothing much I can do.
I am still a long way from having a healthy relationship with her.
Well, in the end everything counts but nothing matters.
---------------------
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