27/3/20 ***Without nicotine I am as sober as hell

When I looked back at the emails I sent to Els, I am a confirmed nutcase.  Will I send her those email if I am level headed like right now?  Certainly not.  However I am a highly imaginative person.  Maybe I cannot differentiate between reality and fantasy.

Is that a problem?  It's a problem when I deal with Els.  I am dealing with her from the realm of fantasy.  Fantasy is fine if you know where to draw the line.  But when the fantasy becomes the basis of your reality, then you are in trouble.

The best is not to deal with her at all.  Just put an end to the fantasy.  Live in the current reality.

One of the differentiator is to stop taking Nicorette.  Suddenly without Nicorette everything is as ordinary as it can be.

It is true that Nicorette increases my dopamine and because of it, I acted crazily.

This is day one without Nicorette, I feel so level headed.

I  need to have self esteem all over again.  Stay away from Els, she is such a flirt.  Unfortunately not with me but with others.

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I need to focus on my Private Victory rather than chasing after a skirt.  I need to break the Cybernetic Loop Dependency that I have towards Els.  The best is to stop tweeting her.  Like I stop tweeting the rest of TraXX.

I have to accept that my thoughts are [about] out of the ordinary.  I should just be by myself.

Basically just me and Sarah. 

My problem is I want to be belonged.  I still want to feel that Els acknowledges my existence.  None of that matters.

As it is she is treating me like dirt.  So enough is enough.  Rather than accentuating the mania, I should just remain level headed. 

All these talks about having 4 wives are really out of the ordinary especially when the "wife" never acknowledges that she is a wife.

I don't know for sure.  For all I know, it is just me and the blog.  Heck, there is not even a Sarah.

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This is my thought without the influence of nicotine.

I become more objective.  Therefore my conclusion is it's just me and the blog.  There is not even a Sarah.

What is real then?  None other that Crew 36.

Let's start from nothing.

If that is the case that Crew 36 are my companions on Sailbad the Sinner.  The voyage is a 21 years journey through time until I arrive at my destination when I am 77.

That is the script from this point on.

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