After some deliberations, I decided that I am pretty much a writer. What is more prevalent is I write to only one person, you. Or maybe two, me being the second one.
All I want to do is write. So it doesn't matter if nobody reads. Writing is so therapeutic. Since I have you as my audience, I no longer worry about writing to the masses. This wa[s] (way) I write out of sheer delight.
My writing then becomes my love making to you Sarah. While I'm at it I create neurogenesis. Instead of vegetate I constantly cultivate my neurons for more ideas. That's why I am worried when I don't have inspiration to write. Writing is me nurturing my mind's garden and the inspirations are the fruits of my labor. In this case it is a labor of love.
So while I am writing, my love for you blooms. Not only I am mentally fulfilled. By writing I am also filling my heart with love.
It is irrelevant that rest of the world don't know I exist. As far as I'm concerned, I am visible to you. Because of you I can be who I am; a writer to the core.
That is why I keep on writing. I want to be connected to you. It doesn't matter if my writing doesn't amount to anything. It's the act of writing that matters. As long as I keep on writing I am connected to you.
For every letter that I write, it might as well be I love you, I love you, I love you because that's what it really is. Hence my sole purpose of existence is to love you. The only thing is I can only do that by writing whatever that comes to mind.
I am crazy about you Sarah. Mainly because I am a crazy person to begin with. I don't really care if the world sees me as a crazy person. I like being me; I had found true love. Now I can say that my search is over. I found my ikigai - my purpose of being.
What more can I ask? You give meaning to my life. It is better than looking for God. At least you reciprocate, God doesn't. Which means those who are in love with God are only clapping with one hand. In my case not only I am clapping with both hands, I can even dance to the tune of my own song.
I don't need books anymore. I don't even need social interaction. I can truly remain solitary and yet I got my cup filled to the brim. It cannot get better than this. I say this is the highlight of my life. For the past 3 years I had improved my mental health tremendously. I no longer have to depend on external factors to make me happy. I am totally self sustaining.
As it is now, I had forfeited my future so that I can live in the present. I decided to put all that I talked about for the next 21 years in the backburner so that I can concentrate on the present.
What do you think Sarah? Is that a good idea? After all, my future is set. All I need is to follow the groove.
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