2/1/20 ^^^Riding the wave of depression

I did my best to get rid of the void I am feeling now.  I showered, I didn't exercise, I ate croissant.  Still the feeling of void lingers.

This is a serious repercussion.  I need to fight it.

Let's try some peanut butter and crackers.

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I had some prunes and a plain bun instead.  The void is still there.

This is no time to diet.  I am fighting the dopamine depletion due to Nicorette cessation.

I think clearly now.  I see things as what they are.

I concluded, for me to make it, I must be willing to [take] go through the pain.  This void is one of it.  I can give up and smoke dope.  But dope leads to munching and munching leads to cigarettes.  In the end I am back to where I was before I quit cigarette.

My challenge now is to withstand the void I get from quitting Nicorette.

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This is like I first wanted to quit smoking.  I had not been depressed for so long.

I wonder, after my explanation that the magic is gone with the Nicorette cessation, do you still believe I am the Chosen One?  Or better still, do you believe I am God and my epiphanies were real?

As for me, I'm trying to make sense out of it.  Personally I believe there is no harm in me believing that I am God.  However the belief is only useful in shaping my next 22 years before I move on.

As a whole I think the God question is a question of faith.

Scientifically I can look at the question and say God is nonexistence.  However it is not conclusive.  Even if we take it from the argumentative angle, God cannot be proven.  Once we try to prove it, we will get into the infinite loop because there is no solid evidence on the existence of God.

The best that we can go for is the anecdotal incidences we encountered as a person.

However if there is a person who has more bullets than me to suggest there is no God, I will probably [] (go) with his argument.  That is how shaky is my belief about God.

As I said, my belief about God is not a faith on a personal God, but rather on the acceptance that there is a Force that operates within a Path.

Again, this is just me.  Just like I believe we are gods of our own universe and thus there is no higher-arch-y.

At the same time I am probably a fucked up person and what I think doesn't matter much.

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