I tell you Sarah, it is so ordinary. I don't feel special at all.
After dinner I feel the urge. So I chew the regular sugarless gum.
What a boring life. No wonder [] started smoking in the first place. I need excitement.
So 40 years on nicotine means 40 months of withdrawal.
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You know Sarah, my life is so bland that I don't know what to write at all.
It used to be that I can ramble. Now I cannot even ramble.
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There goes one delight away from my life.
Let see if I can capture the magic with some coffee.
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I need to find the winning formula really quick. This is 1 week without Nicorette. If I persist, I can last another week.
Maybe I am having a cabin fever.
This is a different kind of awakening. This is an awakening where you feel depressed.
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You know something Sarah. I am beginning to feel that my illness was probably my way of shutting the society out.
I love how my life turns out to be. That is my joy at this moment. I am indeed a loner. I love being by myself.
While others are scurrying to climb the social ladder, I am happily burrowing myself in my little corner here letting life passes me by.
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I got to unlearn many things. Pretty soon I got to unlearn drinking coffee because coffee changes my mental state as well.
Pretty soon we will realize that everything is nothing more than chemical reactions.
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So Sarah, I am tempted to say that based on my personal experience, the God Question is nothing more than a chemical reaction.
The only things that keep my hope high are the epiphanies. So I am still entitled to some miracles. Otherwise Sarah, I am willing to say that there is no God.
We been through this honey. Because of the epiphanies, I become a believer.
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More negative images resurface. Either I am depressed right now or the repressed feeling is now surfacing.
You know Sarah, I am trying my best to ride with this situation right now.
It's not an easy thing to do. On one end it is very easy to resume with Nicorette consumption. However I have faith that like breaking a horse, if I persist, I can win over this 40 years addiction.
Damn... I can quit cigarette at 21. I didn't take the opportunity. Because of that I can only quit 34 years later.
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