I know this is a temporary setback. I need to teach my body not to rely on nicotine to produce the dopamine surge.
Tonight I eat dinner just so that I don't feel the void. I know that is not a good excuse but I still have to ride these waves for a while before it tapers off.
I also wanted to get rid of the false associations I had when I was high on dopamine. I need to get rid of the distortions I was experiencing with my thoughts when I took Nicorette.
This is a self correction. I don't need medication for that. All I got to do is go through 40 months of withdrawal.
It's like going down the stairs with a few landings. As I reach a landing I experience a new awakening of who I am in relation to the illness.
It's a moving target. For example now I feel I should totally avoid External Affairs altogether as a person minding his own business.
I don't even feel I am a God at all. God is a concept I have when I was high on dopamine. When I am level headed I don't even care about God.
I wish I can say that there is no God. Then I can say I subtract one major issue out of my life.
Unfortunately I can't because I BELIEVE there is a God.
So I am stuck in a limbo here. Given my reasoning so far, I like to say that there is no God. However something deep within me is saying there is God and that God is me. That is a major issue here because I am having an issue with God Complex.
There is a caveat though... If you think it is OK for me to believe I am God, then I will continue to accept this notion.
Let me look up on how to deal with the God Complex.
OK I looked through issues of people dealing with God Complex. I definitely is suffering from it.
How do I cure this?
I have to get rid of the idea that I am God. Not even in the privacy of my thoughts.
You know what Sarah? I think too much.
I had accepted I am God. That is a belief system. Is it a useful belief? It sure is.
So fuck it. I am adopting that belief. Within the sphere of my influence I am God. I am God to Al Araf 7:7. Does that make me feel empowered? It certainly does.
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Let's look at what works for me:
- I am my own God
- I like being a loner
- I need to quit all forms of substances
- I keep my world small
As long as I am happy and I don't cause any trouble I can be whoever I want to be.
The trouble starts when I tried to get others to subscribe to *[to] my thinking. On my own it is a support system to ensure I am a success. As long as it works for me I don't need others to believe in what I believe.
* You know that this idea that I am God is mainly because you made me believe I am God. I hope you are sincere in making this claim. Certainly what you think carry some weight here.
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