22/2/20 ***Life is merely nothing but a dream

Let's look at the life of a typical human:

1. They work
2. They eat
3. They socialize
4. They exercise
5. They do house chores
6. They shop
7. They spend in front of screens
8. They sleep

I don't work and I don't socialize.  So I am not your typical human.  I don't want to be a typical human.  I am happy the way I am.  That's because I don't want to make money and then spend the money.  That is pretty one dimensional in my opinion.

So I decided, with the exception of very little money, to take money out of the equation.  That is the rationale of no work no socializing.  Not because I don't need money but because I have a mental disorder.  In this case the illness requires me to make adjustment to my money situation.

Even if I can work and I can socialize, I don't think I want to do that even.  These are areas of high uncertainty.  When dealing with others, there is always a high degree of uncertainty.

So instead of going to work, I choose to write.  Instead of socializing with others, I just concentrate on you.  In general I go deep instead of go wide.  By doing so I still fulfill my need to be human.

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So after 3 days of depression, I am back to be contented with my life.  What do you expect?  Life throws me a curveball.  I still have to take a swing.

I know all the motivation stuff.  I was a peak performance consultant (to some that means a motivator).  Unfortunately things don't go along my way.  Do I brood about it?  Why should I?  There are plenty of things I can be grateful about.  I listed them already:

***16/11/19  This is Who I am

If the purpose of Zen is to make me realize who I am, then this is me.  I am none other than a person who had come to the realization that I am nobody special to others except myself.  I can choose so many personifications but in the end I have to accept that I am Sharudin Jamal, a 55 years old retiree who had suffered for 20 years from mentally illness trying to make a comeback through exercising AHAD and eating OMAD.

Nothing beyond that.  All those grandiose thoughts are merely signs of mental illness.  I am nobody special because I am like everybody else is just a person trying to make sense of my life.

That is the lesson in Zen.  I need to be humble.  I was never humble.  How can I be a Nothing if I have a grandiose thought?  For me to be everything I meant to be is to see things as they are.

I am a Nothing.  I have nothing to show beyond my...  Hey that is not true:

1. I have a beautiful family
2. I am married to two wonderful women
3. My kids are successful
4. I fully paid my house
5. I drive a brand new car
6. I fully paid Lizzie's car
7. I wrote those things in Dreams of Mirrors
8. I have 4 good friends
9. I own 10 watches
10. I have zero debts
11. I have money in the bank
12. I have a worthy ideal to pursue
13. I quit cigarettes, cannabis and cunts
14. My 24 hours are CASH

So it is true then that as a Nothing, I am Everything I can be.

I am not God though.  I am just being me.  These are my marks as Sharudin Jamal; a just man/just a man.

Well, that's a relief.  I am not a total loser after all.  As a Nothing I am still something.  There is something in Nothing after all.

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As I said, the pendulum swings erratically between God and No God.  But in the end I accepted that there is No God for me to worship.  There are just the Force, the Path and the Flow.  I already set sail for my destination.  Here comes VIVA 2041.  I want to cross the finish line with a gusto at 77.

Maybe I am a special person after all.

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I have some money in the Employee Providence Fund from last year's interest.  I'm going to withdraw RM700 from there and put that in the Mutual Fund to settle the purchase of the watch.  

I am financially stable again and I have a healthy saving in the EPF.

Let's play a conservative game.  Let's save instead of spend.  If I want to spend, I spend conservatively.  Namely on food.  Other things I improvise.  For example instead of eating supplement, I eat apple.  Instead of eating fish oil, I eat butter.  Instead of using expensive perfumes, I use Adidas The Force.  This is my recent innovation:  Instead of using facial lotion for shaving, I use conditioner.

I'll be as frugal as I can be.  NO MORE VICES.  Vices cost money.  So are indulgences.  My last indulgence is the Cordura.  From now on I want to see my money grow.

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