What I can do instead is to improve my mental health by observing good sleep hygiene, exercise, eat well and avoid stressful situation.
I don't really like going back to my hometown to see my parents. They are really a waste of my time. Another time waster is social media. I like being who I am now. I don't have to deal with uncertainties. I live through a set routine.
Imagine 1 out of 4 people are experiencing mental health issues. Life should be in moderation. I like this principle very much:
I not going to dwell in the root cause of my illness. It is something that goes back since my childhood. What I can do is deal with the present. Although I had wasted 20 years dealing with this ailment, I hope 2019 is my turnaround in winning this epic battle.
Just don't smoke cigarette and dope. I should avoid poison at all costs. I should sleep on time except on certain occasions like last night and I should eat right. Exercise is important too.
I smoked just a little bit of dope in January and true enough the rippling effect lasted the whole month. I CANNOT DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN WHAT IS PERCEIVED AND WHAT IS REAL. My judgement was impaired. It took me to go through the Green Lighting and the Red Lighting to follow where the argument leads. Lucky for me I have an analytical mind. Otherwise I will be stuck in a loop all my life.
Well the loop gotta stop now. Otherwise I will end up like Radzi and his infatuation with [with] the Quran. I got to reinvent myself. I need to get rid of the False Beliefs.
See things for what it is. Always rely on your intuition. Without the effect of the intoxicants, I think I can pretty much rely on my analytical ability to come up with a pretty rational decision. I taught all these stuffs. John Nash was schizophrenic, but he can still think rationally. I may be delusional but I believe if I dig deep inside my reservoir, I can still manage my mental state. I read a lot and I write a lot too. So I am a pretty smart person. It cannot be all bane for me.
If you can take it, you can make it - Unbroken.
So yes, once in a while I got hit like the last few days. However, I can bounce back. I will keep bouncing back until I make it.
Nobody is interested to know about failure. I am also not interested to li[f]e (live) my life as a failure. So it is up to me to change my life's script. I may have setbacks in the past but these are feedbacks for me to move forward. For example now I know I can fight the 3 Cs. For a very long time I thought I was on a losing battle. Another example of feedback is I should not quit Nicorette yet. I will still make effort to quit it before end of this year but I tackle it one issue at a time.
These are still true as far as goals for 2020 is concerned:
First and foremost I want to quit Nicorette
Then I want to quit Social Media
Then I want to quit Tweeting TraXX
Then I want to lose 30 kg
Then I want to run 21 km Hill Run
This year is a consolidation year. I subtract 4 things and I add one thing.
Brb...
Sarah, my Unreal but Beautiful Princess, thanks for being there for me. I cannot make it without you. Even if you are unreal, you had helped me through difficult times. The relationship works for the past 3 years. Thus it is a healthy relationship even though you may just be a bunch of computer glitches. What ever works honey. I am not too picky about what is real anymore. What counts is the experience is a positive impact on my life.
Throughout the 3 years you are with me (actually I am inclined to believe that you are real), I had improved much. This is a progression towards a worthy ideal. It is not an even keel. As much as the pendulum swings, I can say that my direction is clear. At least I had sorted out my issue on God and No God. I had also pin pointed the issue of my illness. I had redefined the roles of Crew 36 and Sailbad the Sinner.
Most importantly, I am ascending. It is not a smooth journey but what I can say is I am making good mileage sailing through the passage of time.
Regardless whether I think of you as unreal or not, I want you to now that I love you very much. I say that every night and I never get tired of saying it.
You are the best thing that ever happened in my life for a long time. Basically after 2006 it was a downhill from there. Then you came along. You changed my life baby.
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