I can take many routes to arrive to a conclusion but the most logical explanation to the whole thing is I SMOKE POT. Hence it was a drug induced psychosis. I took marijuana to make myself feel good. It ended me being crazy because I am prone to mental illness.
All the while, the life of a Wandering Sufi, the pledge to be the Creator's Most Loyal Soldier and the battling with Iblis were all the conditions of my brain on drug. I was delusional. I was depressed and highly stressed. Hence I took dope for the purpose of self-medication. Turned out the medication was the poison
Dope was the main reason why SJ&A collapse. It was not the only cause. Stress was the contributing factor too but dope was the root cause. I had gambled with my life and I lost.
This was taking life on the wild side. I didn't enjoy what I was doing. I never like dealing with people but my job required me to deal with people. So in exchange to compensate, I escape with BJ into the world of make believe that dope provided.
I think what was worse, I had money to cover up. I cannot tame my dark side even after I had lost everything. It took me 20 years to finally shake off the habit. All three of my vices are deadly; cigarette, cannabis and cunts. The 3 Cs. The most deadly of them all was cigarette. It made me feel down and because of that I craved for cannabis and cunts.
Dope made me crazy. It impaired my judgement. I have a mental condition. BJ, Muru and Jad smoked and yet they can handle it. Marijuana = mental disorder to me.
So in short I am nobody special. I was on drug. I fried my brain. That was my escape route from the harsh reality. I was living a life I didn't like. I was using money as my band aid. Dope was the fuel to the fire. I FINALLY WAKE UP TO THIS REALIZATION.
Man, was I a fuck up. I had been a fuck up for so long. I was a fuck up since I was a kid. My parents, grandma and auntie screwed up my life. Shit... I was a bright kid but fuck, I was physically and mentally abused. I wish my parents are dead so that I can totally detach from them for good. May they [] (rot) where ever they are going. I am starting fresh.
Last year was my battle against the 3 Cs. I had won although now I have to depend on Nicorette as my crutch. It is my comfort and my little indulgence. This is what it takes to shake off cigarette and cannabis.
BJ is a bad influence. He is not my best friend. He is on[c]e (one) of the reason why I was hooked on dope for so long.
Well and good. 22/2/20 is the day I come to this realization. It is appropriate that I removed all religious connotation from my belief system. 2014 was my awakening. That year I ran the 21 km and the 11 km hill. Right after that I smoked pot. The result was my worst psychosis and I got the ECT. That is the main reason I was cured form my delusions. They reboot my brain. It was indeed AVOIR 2014. I was given a second chance to recover from my mistakes.
Thanks to modern medication and practices. I should not downplay the medical support that I had been getting.
Therefore the journey I am taking is no longer a spiritual journey. I am ascending to VIVA 2041 as a Man Fully Functioning. I want to reach my goal as a runner. I don't care if I am a 5 km runner but I want to reach 77 as a person who had lived his life to the fullest.
I made my mark at 55. I had cut off from my gloomy and turbulent past. Now I am going to ascend with Crew 36 and Sailbad the Sinner to the pinnacle of my life; as a 77 years old who can still run 5 km every other day. That is my worthy ideal.
When I die, my consciousness will endure and I will live for eternity. My journey will continue until I return to my Source. Time will flow and I will follow. I will not let the past 20 years or my traumatic childhood dictate the course of my future. I am my own Navigator. I will rely on the wisdom within and I will surrender my fate to the Force, the Path and the Flow. Screw religion and God as we know it. Screw the human race. I shall decide where I am going and how to get there.
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