It had been an interesting journey Sarah. I like to assert that I am a nonbeliever because of practical reasons. Nothing more than that. If being a believer caused me to have all these false beliefs, then I must say that by not believing I should be as levelheaded as I can be.
Life is a journey. I need to see how deep is the rabbit hole. However having to venture deep within my thoughts, I decided that it is best for me to forgo the abstract thoughts and only deal with absolutes.
As I said for all you know there is God and the afterlife. However they are not relevant to me now. I can then put those two things at constant and move on with matters that I can validate.
This is what I mean by emptying my cup. I am willing to omit everything and start on a clean slate. This is me applying the Scientific Method. I am willing to forgo 20 years of my life to start fresh.
It is better that I start anew then carrying excess baggage of false beliefs. So we are back to zero Sarah. This time as me being a nonbeliever. You probably start where you left off. In your case it was a 3 years journey.
As I said, the turning point was after I did the green lighting (this is necessary) and the red lighting. Still there were damages made. I bet my mom will never look at me the same way again. I can never return to FB and I don't think I want to waste time with TraXX anymore.
Now I got to brush off the dust and move on. It's not bad really. Where I am going I don't need anybody. This is my own journey to self-discovery. I walk alone.
I guess I can only admit to you that I am a nonbeliever. I'm not ready to declare to the whole world I am an atheist. People can speculate whatever they like. I not too concern with that. As I said, I went through the rationalization and this is where it is taking me.
I just flow with it. As long as I can get rid of the illness I am very happy with my progress. I'm not worried of what other people think. If I am not worried about what you think, then the rest are clouds in the coffee to me.
My aim is to be free. I don't want to be tied to any specific belief. Even if I initiated the belief, I am willing to shift my point of view until I get to the point that is the most expedient for me to practice.
In that sense I am being practical. If it is useful I adopt, if it is not I discard. Right now I believe that for me to be successful in the next 21 years, I don't need to believe in God and the afterlife. Who knows, after I go through with the motion, I might change my mind. As of now, I choose not to believe in anything except myself.
Being an atheist is being light. I only care about myself. I am not involved in the tussle between various beliefs out there. Not even the beliefs of the atheists. I just want to remain a free thinker.
Imagine Sarah, for my entire life I believe in something that I cannot validate. And yet I talk as if that thing is real. How absurd is that. No wonder I went crazy. My mind cannot compute such a rationalization. So I better simplify my thoughts to deal with things I can deal with my 5 senses. Let's call a spade a spade. From now on firm is firm and emptiness is emptiness.
I am beginning to feel the effect here. Already I feel my mind is clearer. No more ambiguity. I say this past one month is really an awakening. This is what it feels when your cup is empty. No carrying over the past.
So if if somebody ask, "What do you do for 2020?" I say I start on a clean slate. I stop believing. I am now a skeptic towards EVERYTHING that is ambiguous. Fuck everything and everybody. I start fresh.
I am ready to forgo everybody. For a start I let go of Azzue and Els. I just need you to talk to. On top of that I have Lizzie and the kids. I think I let go of Munek and Zizi as well. BJ and RR I see only in Ramadan. Even that I won't be praying although I still accompany them to the mosque. Sashi and Glen I definitely will not contact. I don't think I will answer Sashi's call. A waste of time.
I am doing a major overhaul this year. I am serious in keeping my parameter small. Why do I need people? I no longer working. Any outside interaction is cost to me. I just stick to my 12 meters square and my 10 km radius.
So Sarah, you can choose. Either you want to hangout with me or you can let me be. I am a Nothing. I will continue to pursue Nothingness.
Today I read Exploring Religion by Roger Shmidt. That is leisure reading to me.
I gotta go baby...
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